I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
