It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
