Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
