So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
