there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
