I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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