Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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