god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
