he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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