Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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