i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
