So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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