I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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