Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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