I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so let's talk penis.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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