She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
