sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
