Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dear god my vagina.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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