Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
