Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
