Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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