Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
