I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
