please come you make the beer taste better
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
