I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Randomize
