Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
