Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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