I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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