she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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