apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
