there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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