i can't believe i had my finger in that
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
