at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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