drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
23 “Girl Codes” Guys Probably Don’t Know About
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!