somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My penis needs a shock collar
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
