if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
