if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
