Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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