I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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