Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
