sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.