my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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