Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
