I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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