What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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