just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
