I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
