giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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