I puked a lego.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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