Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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