oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
