I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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