If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
