so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
