I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Pants are for mortals
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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