I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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