I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
