i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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