So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
